Durst: Political Animal Awards

Will Durst
By Will Durst

Don’t mean to overreact and risk boosting everybody’s blood pressure higher than opening offers on Facebook’s upcoming IPO, but this might be a halfway decent time to seek out a nice safe steel bunker to hunker down in or behind, because it’s awards season and heavy metal statuettes are being tossed around like dimes at a county fair.

The 2012 Political Animal Awards
Note: No tuxes have been bruised in the creation of these awards

• BEST COSTUME: Rick Santorum for that winning period look — subtly harkening back to a young Mr. Rogers with rabies.
• BAD TIMING AWARD: Tim Pawlenty, for deserting the Presidential line-up before getting his own shot at leading the pack. Runner-Up: Mitch Daniels.
• UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Herman Cain, for continuing to blame the media for finding his fan full of feces.
• THE DUMBER THAN HE ALREADY LOOKS AWARD: In an extremely competitive field, Rick Perry.
• THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: For the 6th consecutive year, Donald Trump.
• THE CLAUDE RAINES INVISIBLE MAN AWARD: George W Bush.
• BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: In a thankless role, Calista Gingrich.
• THE WE CAN’T FIND A MUZZLE BIG ENOUGH AWARD: Joe Biden. May have to retire this award in his name.
• BEST SCORE: Whoever bought Apple at 8.
• THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD: DEMOCRATIC DIVISION: John Edwards. John Kerry. Anthony Weiner.
• THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD: REPUBLICAN DIVISION: Dick Cheney. Pat Robertson. Glenn Beck.
• BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Industrial Light & Magic for making Mitt Romney appear so lifelike.
• BEST MAKE UP: Newt Gingrich for his very convincing Walking Dead grimace.
• BEST CHOREOGRAPHY: Grover Norquist.
• THE “OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Whoever decided contraception made for a good election year wedge issue.
• BEST BOY: Marcus Bachmann.
• BEST ANIMATION: Chris Christie.
• THE OTHER MORMON MEAT AWARD: Jon Huntsman.
• BEST NEWCOMER: Paul Ryan for his highly controversial script, “Roadmap for America’s Future.”
• THE LUCKY IT WASN’T BITTEN OFF AWARD: Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.
• MENSA’S SMARTEST MOVE OF THE YEAR: In a huge upset, Sarah Palin picks this one up for refusing to accept another supporting role.
• THE HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY AWARD: Ron Paul.
• BEST ENSEMBLE IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The entire Republican Party Presidential Nomination cast.
• BEST ACTOR: Body of work award goes to Speaker of the House John Boehner for various portrayals as outraged defender of fiscal responsibility, obstinate party stalwart and sophisticated gentleman to whom gracious cooperation is of the highest priority and doing it all while orange.
• BEST DIRECTION: The Koch Brothers.
• MISDIRECTION AWARD: Newt Gingrich for his moon base proposal. Always knew his full ambitions could never be contained by Planet Earth.
• COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD: The US economy.
• THE BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: Barack Obama.

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com

45 thoughts on “Durst: Political Animal Awards”

  1. BEST RED CARPET AWARD: Rick Santorum because a dog wee weed on him instead of.

  2. Must disagree with this one:

    • BEST ENSEMBLE IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The entire Republican Party Presidential Nomination cast.

    This is obviously the raspberry award for unnecessary remake of Aliens.

  3. Jamie’s : “…the raspberry award for unnecessary remake of Aliens.”

    Night of the Living Debt Reducers

  4. I must confess that I find myself disappointed that Sarah Palin didn’t win: THE HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY AWARD. Minus the missing part…actually, i’d probably want it just to say GO AWAY. If there was an all talk than it would go to NFL Players Association for not backing up their statements to attack Mitch Daniels in a big way at the SuperBowl.

  5. Faire

    Why wait? Do they have a recall process? It would seem that there are so many cars on the crazy train that even most Republicans can see it is about to run them down.

  6. Down in TN we were the subject of a good deal of ridicule from the Big Man (that would be Olbermann; long story) last week over a state senator from Knoxville named Stacey Campfield, a @#%*in’ carpetbaggin’ outlander who put forth a proposition called the “Don’t Say Gay” bill: forbidding the mention of anything but heterosexuality in grades K-8.

    A vote on that bill has been put off for a week while other GOoPers frantically attempt to modify it:

    Don’t Say Gay Amendment lets counselors field questions

    (hope that link works; if it doesn’t, let me know)

    One signal point I find here: that Gov. Haslam has pointedly reminded the legislature that there are other things we need to focus on--which gives me a tiny flicker of hope that in Haslam we might actually have a sensible moderate member of the GOP--

    keeping my fingers crossed--

  7. I don’t know if they have a recall process or not in Ft. Wayne, Jamie--but recalls do cost money--so there may not be money in the budget for such an undertaking. In any case, if this nonsense doesn’t totally marginalize Morris and bring challengers out in droves, they probably deserve him--

  8. Tucker Carlson…how you’ve fallen so far. Iran is a complicated situation. If we do not act, we could have a broader Middle East War with nuclear weapons. If we do act, the Iranian populace, who are currently very pissed off at their government, will unite behind their government. Either way, the winner is the Iranian regime, which will stay in power either way.

  9. They must have had a limit on how many awards could be won by any individual. Otherwise Herman ‘pizza pimp’Cain would have won most of them.

    Is tucker Carlson trying to be William Kristol, or is it just a man crush? :???:

  10. SuperChicken Hawk tucker carlson deserves to be airdropped onto Qum, Iran, wearing a tshirt emblazoned with a pic of the Shah.

  11. Is Romney Reading Krugman?
    By ANDREW ROSENTHAL

    At a campaign stop in Michigan on Tuesday, Mitt Romney made news by telling the truth about the economy. He said: “If you just cut, if all you’re thinking about doing is cutting spending, as you cut spending you’ll slow down the economy. So you have to, at the same time, create pro-growth tax policies.”

  12. The WH ought to blame the high gas price on the neocons and goldam sacks, who keep predicting the eruption of a nuclear war in the Persian Gulf. This crap panics the commodities markets. goldam sacks makes hundreds of millions taking orders on the contracts.

  13. Hi X,
    Of course they should! I heard the president during a campaign stop tell the crowd he knows gas prices are rising but the economy is getting better and people are driving more..Yep, the president needs help..Tone deaf, maybe??? Hope you and Sweetie are enjoying this wonderful Florida weather..

  14. Robert Reich seems to be the only one surprised that Obama is making this Corporate tax cut. Obama is corrupt. I have known this since his first Defense appointment, whose job was previously in Raytheon. The only reason that an informed person would vote for Obama is that the Republicans are worse. Its a shame that Obama was never challenged in a primary. Incumbents should ALWAYS be challenged as a reminder to their egos that they are REPLACEABLE.

  15. I gather Pope Pious Santorum did not have one of his better nights in the debate. Anybody watch?

    There is a primary taking place here but you would be hard pressed to tell it in this part of AZ. The occasional Romney ad and damn little else. I don’t think that Arizona republicans are any more excited about their choices than the rest of the country.

  16. The swine who are running for the ripper nomination have made a habit of spouting off about the sanctity of marriage. Even the nude grinch blathers about it. But, do they actually believe that Americans marriages are blessed with sanctity ? I doubt it. Before one of these scoundrels makes off with the pugugly nomination, the American people need the answers to a few questions that could embarrass the 4 leading ripper candidates.

    For sanctimonious and the nude grinch the Qs are, “Do you hold the marriages of Baptists, Mormons, Muslims, and Jews to be sacred ? Do you hold civil wedding ceremonies to be sacred ? If not, why not ?”

    For willard the Qs are, “Do you hold the marriages of Baptists, Catholics, Muslims, and Jews to be sacred ? Do you hold civil wedding ceremonies to be sacred ? If not, why not ?”

    For wrong pol the Q is, “Do you hold the marriages of Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, and Jews to be sacred ? Do you hold civil wedding ceremonies to be sacred ? If not, why not ?”

    If you press them, I expect that none of these four swinish louts will admit that the rites of other denominations/religions (the vast majority of American weddings) are sacred. That being the case, they can’t say gay marriage threatens the sanctity of most marriages. If the candidates are unable to answer these Qs to the satisfaction of the American people, they will be cut down to buddy roemer’s size.

  17. Jace, I know an AZ puguglican who bolted the party in ’08. I expect that this time more AZ rippers will have either died of old age or bolted.

    Btw, when are Maricopans going to finally demand the arrest, arraignment, hearing, trial, conviction, and execution of that crooked slaver arpaio ?

  18. christ christie bashes Warren Buffet, comes out against freedom of speech. Again.

    christie’s the ill douchie of Jersey.

  19. Incumbents should ALWAYS be challenged as a reminder to their egos that they are REPLACEABLE.

    Jaslf,
    I like your way of thinking!

  20. Missing Pat Buchanan
    By STANLEY FISH

    “I miss him already,” the MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews said Friday. The “him” Matthews is already missing is Patrick J. Buchanan, and in this year of a national campaign I miss him too, and have been missing him since early fall, when he disappeared from MSNBC because of protests following the publication of his book “Suicide of a Superpower.”

  21. xrepublican says:
    02/22/2012 at 7:50 PM

    carlson is a lousy chicken pot pie of a common ‘tater.xrepub

    A swansons joke lolololol

    Missing the Bigot Buchanan last night on John Stewart
    Bruce Bartlett said the Democrats are wimps but the Republicans are insane — missing Pat Buchanan would be another indicator Bartlett is correct

    Chris Christie is just mad because he thought it was
    Warren Buffet was an all you can eat dinner

  22. Y’know, it’s funny, but somehow I just can’t find it in me to miss Pat Buchanan. Reckon I must just be too young to appreciate the racism, homophobia, misogyny and other faults of a leftover Nixon era thug.

  23. The guy who wrote the column saying he misses the Bigot Buchanan is a loser. He claims the Bigot offered great historical insight because he was present at presidential history and been a candidate himseelf
    that may be true -- but he is still a raving racist a—-e and who cares what he has to say -- The Bigot practices the worst kind of revisionist history

    Stanley Fish is an idiot

  24. XR,
    I left WY, because I did not want to be the last liberal left standing.Got to AZ and found out that I was the only liberal period.
    Oh well, the best laid plans and all that. :grin:

  25. We all know someone like Romney -- earnest and yet totally clueless. If they are also good looking and with $$$ you end up with Romney he means well and thinks he is entitled to tell you what to do — Unfortunately he suffers from the “Often Wrong Never in Doubt Syndrome.”

  26. If we do not act, we could have a broader Middle East War with nuclear weapons. If we do act, the Iranian populace, who are currently very pissed off at their government, will unite behind their government. Either way, the winner is the Iranian regime, which will stay in power either way.

    jaslf, must disagree with your conclusion that iran wins m-e war with nukes. nobody in that region (or anywhere in the area of fallout) wins anything for a few thousand years.

  27. Chris Christie is just mad because he thought it was
    Warren Buffet was an all you can eat dinner.

    god… I LOVE starting my day off with a good laugh!

    I did watch the debate last night. IMO, Romney had a good night… was in command. Santorum was defensive. Gingrich was his usual bloated self. And Paul was funny.

    My favorite part… in less than a minute after stating his one word answer to describe himself,”cheerful”, Newtie went on one of his usual hate filled rants on the Obama administration…. “cheerful” indeed.

    ps… belated Happy Birthday, David.

  28. anyone know of whatever came out of the justice dept investigation on oil speculators that was called for around april last year? also whatever, if anything, was resolved by the senate’s investigation committee on oil specs… and on koch bros’ spec activity running up gas prices?

    where are the media investigative bulldogs on this issue? hmmm, pro’bly licking their you-know-whats or contemplating their navels as usual.

  29. Ms Cracker,
    Thank goodness I didn’t have a mouthful when I read “all you can eat diner.” What a hoot !

  30. Jace : “Oh well, the best laid plans and all that.”

    I’m glad to learn that you are well-laid in AZ. Maybe the only one of those also.

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