Once upon a Goddamned time, in a land far fu–ing away was an evil monopoly! It was a corporation made up of evil people. The people worked hard, and loved their jobs and above all provided good service, but the most evil thing the monopoly did was to keep costs low to the consumer. There was a blackness and a plague across the land and the people knew not which way to turn, because communication worked too well and was too reliable.
Fortunately for the corporation, it is in the nature of all of us not only to question, but to want more, more, and more still. And so the people, they cried out for more. More things cheap, more things fast, and more ways to communicate. And one desire fed upon another, each to have more, and to have more than his neighbor, and to have the means of showing his neighbor all this material wealth. And here, the corporation saw their chance–and seized it.
On the morning of the sixth day the people looked to the West, and saw to their dismay and great joy their white knight riding on a free market stallion charging to the rescue. They fell to their knees and thanked providence for their deliverance, from efficiency and competence, knowing now at last they would be free forever from the tyranny of Bell telephone and landlines, and knowing that soon they would dwell in the land of ‘cheapness and choice’ for St. Ronald of Reagan had promised it.
And at first it was good–cell phones here, and Instagrams there, and never a Facebook free moment. It made for such fun, and such connection, and above all such profit that no one thought to question the creeping costs, the minor exposures of personal information, and the occasional pre-recorded voice assuring them that “Verizon cannot complete your call at this time, all circuits are busy”. For the people trusted in the White Knight, and knew that no harm would come to them, not from cellular radiation, nor overage charges, nor vast repositories of barely secured credit information.
And then a darkness descended over the earth, THE BILLS CAME DUE! And behold they were not less but rather they were more, a lot more, and the locusts of higher phone bills higher natural gas bills and higher electric bills and higher bills for all essential services, beset the people and they were angry and dismayed, for they had been led to believe that deregulation would provide more of everything, for everyone and it would not cost the people a dime. Despair and dejection fell over the land.
The people waited and wondered where was the Great St. Ronald, who would allay their fears? But alas he had departed, and left in his place disciples of the false prophesy who assured the people that all would be well as long as they believed. And they believed, they believed until it hurt. They believed even after it was apparent that their beliefs were in error. They believed and they voted, knowing that just one more vote would bring them to the promised land of prosperity through unregulated commerce and essential services.
The people believed in vain!
Soon they cried in desperation, “For too long have we been sold a bill of goods”, and they took it upon themselves to remake that which had been taken from them. The false Prophets of the free market and deregulation were forced to wear the garments of shame and derision in the public square. The people spat upon them and cursed them, but remorse was not within them, nor was contrition.
They knew only of arrogance and conceit, and they shouted ‘follow me, the cliff of salvation approaches’ but the people turned away, saying, “no more your ways are wicked and untrue” your cliff is the cliff of economic death”.
Then there was a great pause over all the land and the people waited and watched, and hoped for salvation, as the forces of good and evil met for the final time, not knowing which would prevail. Uncertainty and apprehension reigned over the land. The people waited.
The moral(s) of this story?
Wheels need not be reinvented.
Things unbroken need not be fixed.
Piss Jace off when he is making his weekly phone call to his mother and there will be bandwidth violations!
Happy ending? When the gods chose to recreate Mt. Rushmore, Ronald Regan’s ass cheeks were shown with a perfectly good rotary phone planted squarely in between.
— By jace