What changes would you make if you were King or Queen?

Throughout of the history of civilization, monarchy was the most common form of government.  However, since 1776, we here in “the colonies” have been fooling around with a couple of crazy ideas adapted from the ancient world.  (This is what happens when you teach someone like Thomas Jefferson to read Latin and Greek.)

Nash 2.5
Nash 2.5

The crazy ideas…

Democracy:  A form of government popularized by Athenians who consumed too much wine at the Olympic Games.   Everyone got to vote… except for women, slaves, and musicians.  (OK, I’m not sure about musicians, but that would certainly make sense.)

Republic:  A “representative” form of government designed by clever Roman aristocrats who perfected the Senate as a lucrative engine of corruption.

Thanks to the Koch brothers and the Supreme Court, these silly experiments are rapidly coming to an end.  A new “billionaire aristocracy” is emerging, and as we know from history, the only way to keep greedy, ruthless aristocrats from ceaselessly killing each other and creating social chaos, is to have a King (or Queen) firmly in charge.  Their job is to maintain the peace … by killing anyone who gets out of line.

We could approach the British and say, “Sorry about all the bad things we said about King George III,”  but I doubt they would take us back.  The USA needs its own monarch.

One doesn’t elect a King or Queen, of course.  As any royal historian will tell you, the choice is made by God (or the Gods).  The good news is that any one of us might get chosen.

Monty Python answers the question, “How do you become King?”

So, while we await divine intervention, each of us needs to think about what we would do if we wielded absolute political power.


Here are three things I would immediately do if I were King.

kingqueen(1) Round up all “political journalists” and exile them to Miami’s South Beach.  (After a few years of that lifestyle, they’ll be so exhausted, they’ll be no threat to the realm.)

(2) By royal decree, commission the composition of a series of plays … comedies, tragedies, historical dramas, and also a few sonnets about love.  Encourage young men to wear tights with codpieces, carry swords, and get into brawls in the city square.  Encourage young women to loiter on balconies, in their nightgowns, talking to the moon.

(3) Invite all of my (remaining) friends to a game of croquet, with flamingoes as mallets and hedgehogs as balls, and then cheat.  If anyone complains, “Off with their heads.”


What would you do, if you were King or Queen?

Nash2.5 is a Trail Mix Contributor

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Nash 2.5

Retired professor of business & economics at a small college in Northern Maine.

34 thoughts on “What changes would you make if you were King or Queen?”

  1. nash, a wnd poll “Should Barack Obama be impeached? Vote Now!” banner ad popped up at the end of that monty python piece. most apt considering the response you posted last thread to the incipient impeachment drive over benghazi:

    The House can impeach (indict) but then Senate must hold the trial, presided over by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (extremist right-winger) Roberts.

    If the GOP wins control of the Senate this fall, they could convict Obama and remove him from office.

    Which would leave Biden as President, which is no good for the GOP, so they would have to impeach and convict him too, at the same time,

    This would make Boehner President.

    Yes, they could do it and yes, they probably will do it, if they get the chance.

    Nothing is “Too Crazy” for the GOP these days.

  2. patd:

    I watched the Python clip again and got a banner ad “Do you want to quit smoking?” with an 800 number to call.

    As soon as I’m King, I’ll find out who is doing these ads and cast them into the dungeon.

    But first, I’ll need to have a dungeon built.

  3. Nash et al

    A good on line friend of mine already has a dungeon and I’m sure she would let you use the one in the dank recesses of Bloggingham Castle. I would encourage everyone to visit Queen Mimi either at her castle or on Facebook as she sponsors the Global Day of Peace every November.

    The rest of the time she is just funny, thoughtful, and a really good read.

  4. As to this Queen business: Serious idea to follow but not yet.

    As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
    I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list
    Of society offenders who might well be underground,
    And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!


  5. If I were Queen of everything
    pot would be legal

    everyone would have to grow something edible

    people who do not know how to merge or try to get on the elevator before people can get off could go to jail possibly even a death sentence

    only potato guns would be allowed or the guns that shoot tiny plastic pigs

    schooling would be free and teachers well paid and not threatened by idiots

    I got more too I’ve been planing my ascendancy to the throne for a long time

  6. If I were King, I would declare my title to be el Supremo. I would then go on vacation to Canada.

  7. When my children were much younger and I was working three jobs to try and hold it all together, I had more contact with governmental agencies than anyone should ever face for any reason, all of which resulted in the absolute minimum of assistance to survive, but never enough to solve any of the problems.

    If I were Queen, every social program would have a first stop “What Do You Need” department. Not here’s what we can do, but what do you need. For instance in the City of Los Angeles, it takes two hours by bus to get from low income neighborhoods to areas that pay decent salaries … How about a car? A first and last on an Apartment close to job? Sufficient income to not work while attending at least two years of school or training?

    It would have to be individual, not mass produced. Just “What Do You Need”.

  8. If I were king everything would be made in America.
    Toasters, computers, clothing, (especially clothing)
    furniture, auto parts,tools, etc, etc,etc……………..

    Decent minimum wage, excellent health care, and retirement with dignity. And that would be just in my first one hundred days.

  9. Jamie,

    I went with Crystal to the Columbia assistance office. At the time Crystal was a single mom living with us but trying to get on Medicaid for herself. The child was taken care of.

    The line was long, but she was triaged and then a short wait for a kindly older woman who phrased the question very much in the way you mandated, Jamie. Of course, this was before Haley became governor.

    The three of us sat together, Crystal, with some prompting from me, explained her situation, especially the need for psychiatric care, in enough detail that the worker realized that it was a ‘top of the list’ type of situation and responded accordingly.

    She received her social services support very quickly. Definitive psychiatric care was a different story as Columbia is inundated with people in desperate need of life-saving help.

  10. httpv://youtu.be/zzie4kLMPSA

    What else do the simple folk do
    To help them escape when they\’re blue?

    They sit around and wonder what royal folk would do
    And that\’s what simple folk do

  11. Despite never having had any sort of cutlery presented to me by the Blue Heron of the canal, I wouldn’t mind a go at being queen.

    I – Everyone would have to clean up their own messes. No paying someone else to do it for you (oil & gas companies included); even management has to get their hands dirty & not just for a photo op.

    II – Everything would be organic, non-GMO & affordable/available to everyone.

    III – Lawns would be replaced with gardens.

    IV – Companies must hire enough people to handle the workload instead of crushing employees under the weight of multiple jobs.

    V – Pizza on Friday!

    (I was not shown an ad after the a Python clip. I like that. No more ads on You Tube clips.)

  12. Of course, all wrongs would be righted if any of us were in charge.

    Oh, and I’d like to know what the Doritos-shaped flying wing in the skies over Amarillo does that’s new & improved.

  13. Jamie:

    You are right. The first thing any new monarch would do is to make a little list of everyone to be… dealt with.

    I can’t decide who would be #1 on my list, Limbaugh or Scalia.

  14. Limbaugh, Scalia, and all those SOBs that buy lottery tickets while I’m trying to buy gas.
    As well as those people who go through express checkout with a whole cart full of groceries instead of the 15 item limit.

  15. Truth be told, I am somewhat ambivalent about the title of King.
    However if there is a vacant empire somewhere looking for an emperor. I am available.

  16. Well… I’ll let the rest of you solve all the other problems…. me… I wanna be Queen of the sports world.

    I’d fire every NBA ref immediately.
    I’d get rid of instant replay in baseball… stupidest idea ever.
    I’d declare that all World Series games must start at 7pm on the east coast.
    I’d get rid of the rule that says first man off the bench in hockey is automatically suspended… I wanna see them brawl again.
    No more Thursday night football.
    The Monday after the Superbowl is an official holiday.

    And will one of you kings or queens of this country please make all voting days official holidays… thanks in advance.

  17. httpv://youtu.be/CXgoJ0f5EsQ
    for all mothers and happy memories,
    the mom song (with lyrics)

  18. Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference.

    —Mort Sahl

  19. httpv://youtu.be/AoLR37u_iUQ

    Sunday Serendipity.
    Coronation music for all our Trail Mix royalty.

  20. jace:

    Yes, lottery ticket buyers must be on “the list.”

    Also, anyone wants to write a check for purchases under $10.00.

  21. jace,

    thanks for parini’s “Outraged over Benghazi. Silent on Iraq”. glad you posted it as I was beginning to feel rather like a troll on the subject. it would behoove the msm to automatically include a reference to Iraq each time Benghazi is mentioned.
    this in particular should be enough to chum up outrage aside from the thousands of broken lives:

    Needless to say, this terrible war was pursued under false pretenses, with huge amounts of government corruption—Houston-based company KBR alone (a spinoff from Halliburton, where Dick Cheney was chairman and CEO before becoming vice president) racked up charges of nearly $40 billion during the war, making it (by far) the winner in the Iraq sweepstakes. In most banana republics, this would be cause for serious investigation; but not so much here, where our politicians (or their friends) are allowed to profit from armed invasions.

  22. and when it comes to the dick, throw in a hearing or two about Beirut as well as Iraq.

  23. httpv://youtu.be/IGCyqk5Afv4
    A tongue can accuse and carry bad news
    The seeds of distrust it will sow
    But unless you’ve made no mistakes in your life
    Be careful of stones that you throw

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