Throughout of the history of civilization, monarchy was the most common form of government. However, since 1776, we here in “the colonies” have been fooling around with a couple of crazy ideas adapted from the ancient world. (This is what happens when you teach someone like Thomas Jefferson to read Latin and Greek.)
The crazy ideas…
Democracy: A form of government popularized by Athenians who consumed too much wine at the Olympic Games. Everyone got to vote… except for women, slaves, and musicians. (OK, I’m not sure about musicians, but that would certainly make sense.)
Republic: A “representative” form of government designed by clever Roman aristocrats who perfected the Senate as a lucrative engine of corruption.
Thanks to the Koch brothers and the Supreme Court, these silly experiments are rapidly coming to an end. A new “billionaire aristocracy” is emerging, and as we know from history, the only way to keep greedy, ruthless aristocrats from ceaselessly killing each other and creating social chaos, is to have a King (or Queen) firmly in charge. Their job is to maintain the peace … by killing anyone who gets out of line.
We could approach the British and say, “Sorry about all the bad things we said about King George III,” but I doubt they would take us back. The USA needs its own monarch.
One doesn’t elect a King or Queen, of course. As any royal historian will tell you, the choice is made by God (or the Gods). The good news is that any one of us might get chosen.
Monty Python answers the question, “How do you become King?”
So, while we await divine intervention, each of us needs to think about what we would do if we wielded absolute political power.
Here are three things I would immediately do if I were King.
(1) Round up all “political journalists” and exile them to Miami’s South Beach. (After a few years of that lifestyle, they’ll be so exhausted, they’ll be no threat to the realm.)
(2) By royal decree, commission the composition of a series of plays … comedies, tragedies, historical dramas, and also a few sonnets about love. Encourage young men to wear tights with codpieces, carry swords, and get into brawls in the city square. Encourage young women to loiter on balconies, in their nightgowns, talking to the moon.
(3) Invite all of my (remaining) friends to a game of croquet, with flamingoes as mallets and hedgehogs as balls, and then cheat. If anyone complains, “Off with their heads.”
What would you do, if you were King or Queen?
— Nash2.5 is a Trail Mix Contributor