An Afternoon at TJ’s

Here with friends at the Jefferson Memorial we remembered our pal, Sean Holton, marking one year since his passing. He loved this spot, called it TJ’s.


Claudine Hellmuth, Paul Lester, David Blank and Craig Crawford (12/1)

Recited in the above video:

Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me — not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,”
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

And that is dying…
 
 

Orlando Sentinel: Former editor Sean Holton chronicled death with a writer’s eye

Remembering a Friend [VIDEO]

Trailmixers gathered last Sunday at Gloucester Harbor, Massachusetts, to remember and celebrate a fine journalist and true friend, Sean Holton.


Images by daleblank.com
Bagpiper: Dick Chane, Gloucester MA
Edited by Craig Crawford
Painting by Fitz Henry Lane (“Gloucester Harbor, Stage Fort Beach“)
Thanks to Sean’s brother, Brian, for bringing the bicycle!
Trouble viewing? Click Here

By Sean Holton

The Last Mile

Cranes for the Brain

One Avenue, Two Faces

A White House Mystery

Dick Cheney vs. Bob Dylan

Family Frodo

Revenge of the Mask

Family Frodo


Sean Holton 1959-2011


Our great friend Sean Holton’s lost battle against brain cancer began with this tribute on his blog to his incredible siblings, who nursed him through the last 28 months of his 52 years with truly awe-inspiring dedication and love. Though living in various states — Brian, Ellen, Kathleen and Tim — they made sure to rotate visits so that he was never without them. As we prepare to formally say goodbye on Saturday, Dec. 10 in Orlando (6-8pm, Baldwin-Fairchild Funeral Home, 301 N. E. Ivanhoe Blvd.) our hearts go out to a family that simply defined what family is all about. And, of course, Sean said it best right here:

Sean Holton
August 21, 2009

One of my favorite parts of “The Lord Of The Rings” has always been the scene in Part One where the hobbit Frodo wakes up to find himself safe and sound in an impossibly comfortable, pillow-covered bed after many days of unconsciousness following a series of harrowing adventures that left him wounded and nearly dead. Frodo is resting in the House of Elrond, located in the secure oasis of Rivendell, home of the Elven-wise lords from beyond the furthest seas. “They do not fear the Ringwraiths,” his ancient wizard friend Gandalf tells him from the bedside. “For those who have dwelt in the Blessed Realm live at once in both worlds, and against both the Seen and the Unseen they have great power.”

Holton family circa early 1960s. From left: Tim (b. 1949); Edward (1919-2006); Kathleen (b. 1947); Sean (b. 1959); Lucille (1921-2007); Ellen (b. 1961); Katherine Smith (Mom's mom, 1898-1983); Brian (b. 1958)


When I got home from the hospital a couple of days after my July 26 brain surgery, I felt just like Frodo must have felt at that very moment of awakening. I was in my own house, completely under the protection of my siblings. That wonderful feeling of security and being taken care of at a time of weakness was due entirely to the efforts and attentions of my two brothers and two sisters, who had flown in from all over the country; leaving their own families to come to my side. Kathleen, Tim, Brian and Ellen came to Orlando, respectively, from Las Vegas, St. Louis, Philadelphia and Los Angeles to help me out. And each of them did their part in their own distinctive way. My oldest sister Kathleen (who is convinced she was an Irish charwoman in a previous life) immediately set to work getting my house in order; running back and forth to the grocery store to make sure my fridge and pantry were well-stocked with all the goods I’d need to regain my strength. She even entirely reorganized my laundry room and linen closet, classic Saturday-afternoon projects that I had perennially ranked behind more important tasks such as ‘Take Nap” and “Drink A Beer” since the day I’d moved into my house in 1999. Kathleen was horrified one day when a full bottle of olive oil slipped out of a grocery bag she was carrying and shattered on my kitchen floor. She was making arrangements to hire a steam-cleaning company to come over and clean up the mess even after she had already mopped it up with paper towels to a degree that was infinitely beyond my satisfaction. I told her don’t bother with the professional cleaners, and after much insistence she finally backed off. Brian is also very task-oriented. He did a bunch of chores around the house, put himself in charge of planning and grilling tasty family meals, and he ran errands like going to Target to buy an upgraded electric shaver so he could give me a nice buzz cut. Tim walked my two dogs, helped cook and clean and also kept track of television schedules so we could make sure we were tuning in only the most interesting and relevant baseball games (translation: The Cardinals) at any given moment. Ellen, my baby sister, is a very gentle and spiritual person. She hung up colorful Buddhist prayer flags from one ceiling fan and made sure the general energy level in the house was always most conducive to rest. Sometimes that meant telling the boys to pipe down. I also asked Ellen to go out and choose bandanas for me to wear to cover up my surgery scar, because I knew she’d get the coolest ones.
More by Sean Holton


There is so much that is enriching about traditional family gatherings that involve spouses, kids, various aunts and uncles from older and younger generations. But this unplanned reunion under not-so-great circumstances was something special, too. As I rested in my room for another day or so coming in and out of sleep, I would often hear the murmur of their voices from the front room as they talked about this or that. It reminded me of when I was a kid listening to late-night conversations reverberate through the wall of my childhood bedroom, which was directly adjacent to the family room of our house on Westport Road in Independence, Mo. It was like going back through time. Now it was just us five kids again. Brothers and sisters in a Blessed Realm.

I hate to think about all the anxiety my current medical situation must be causing them. We all love each other so much. I think it would almost be worse to be in their position than it is to be in mine. So I guess in a twisted way that makes me selfish when I say if any one of them ever got a brain tumor, I would trade places in a heartbeat.

“You have talked and reckoned more than is good for you,” said Gandalf. “You will soon be sound again. Elrond has cured you: he has tended you for days, ever since you were brought in.”

A Magnum in the Rough

Sean Holton 1959-2011


I have so enjoyed the many Trail Mix thoughts and memories about our friend, Sean Holton, and wanted to share this letter from a mutual friend, Claudine Hellmuth (Click Here to see her delightful blog), daughter of Ann Hellmuth, a wonderful journalist who was once our boss. I happened to be with him when he received this letter, and it was one of the last times he was well enough to read aloud. He was very touched by it, giving him comfort through the pain and fear of his last days.

“Dear Sean

I remember first meeting you when I was at mom’s office in Kansas City. Magnum PI was one of my favorite shows and you looked exactly like Tom Selleck with your mustache! My 8 year old self was completely star struck at your likeness to Magnum — I expected you to start running down a beach with two dobermans at any moment, music soaring in the background.

I remember lots of Kansas City Star parties and Burning Down the House playing on the stereo, everyone was dancing in the living room. I can not hear that song and not think of you.

Remember “Gossip Queen Abdicates”? What I would call the most witty, hilarious and touching story you wrote for my mom describing our Buick as pink (it was sand colored, ahem). When that car became mine, every time I drove it thought of you calling it a pink Buick and it would always make me giggle.

Claudine Hellmuth

When I moved to DC, you helped me find an apartment and took me door to door until we found a place. Frantic phone calls were made to landlords, you even ran to help me get copies of the lease, all of this while the Oklahoma City Bombing was a breaking story, and you needed to be at the office. Thank you.

I looked so much forward to our “Melrose Monday’s” at Craig and David’s. I always cherished spending time with you guys and it was my highlight of every week. Remember how Craig would leave the vacuum out because he had spent so much on it he thought it should have a prominent place in the living room? I remember watching Babe the Pig while you declared it BBQ night. Going to see Sense and Sensibility at the Uptown theater in Cleveland Park. I can’t pass by The Dupont Italian Kitchen without thinking of you.

Thank you for giving a reading at our wedding. Thank you for your writing, your humor, your wit, your awesomeness. You are the brother and uncle I never had, all wrapped into one.

I love you Sean.”

Claudine Hellmuth

So Long, Sean

Sean Holton

This morning our longtime Trail Mix pal Sean Holton, known here as Lardass Liberal, moved on to his next assignment.

A great journalist, friend and wit, he joins our other lost trail boss, Patsi Bale Cox. Both were so memorable on our pages that we’ll be quoting them along the way, or imagining what they would have to say about the latest news.

Our hearts go out to Sean’s fantastic siblings – Brian, Ellen, Kathleen and Tim – who cared for him these past 28 months of his fight against brain cancer with awe-inspiring love and dedication.

Sean’s Obituary

Sean’s family is hosting a Memorial Tribute 6-8pm, Saturday, December 10th, 2011 at the Baldwin-Fairchild Funeral Home – Ivanhoe Chapel – 301 N. E. Ivanhoe Blvd, Orlando, FL 32804

“Sean Holton Chronicled Death with a Writer’s Eye”
The Orlando Sentinel

Act 5

Our longtime Trail Mix friend Sean Holton determinedly took a break from brain cancer yesterday to post this response to Facebook well-wishers:

“Thanks to all who have left so many encouraging messages of support on my wall during the past couple of weeks. Your support has meant the world to me as I shrivel up in a state of near nothingness each afternoon watching cooking shows and storing my bodily waste in pickle jars and waiting for these damn Mormons to finish my blood transfusion so I can watch Ice Station Zebra one more time — (with apologies to Howard Hughes).”

While he wrote, I told him I know it’s sad but you’re making me laugh. And that’s exactly why we love him. It was more than two years ago, in his first month of this epic battle, he wrote the following piece for his blog. It’s as though he was preparing us all those many months ago:

Sean Holton

by Sean Holton
Same Time Tomorrow
(How Sean Holton Learned To Stop Worrying And Just Have Brain Cancer Instead)

August 24, 2009

I’ve been thinking lately about why the idea of the individual case of terminal cancer commands such enduring dramatic interest in our society. There are plenty of other life-ending cards people are dealt that are just as horrible and way more tragic in the end. People can be struck dead in a random instant in all kinds of ways — by lightning, in a car or airplane crash, in a shooting or fire, in an accidental fall from a great height. There are other incurable diseases that are equally or more debilitating over the long haul – those who suffer from multiple sclerosis and amyotrophic lateral sclerosis come right to mind. People have heart attacks and die on the sidewalk all the time. They get hit by buses. Or they suffer from mental illnesses that lead to suicide or fatal substance abuse. Or they waste away with Alzheimer’s disease. And let’s not even get ourselves started on the tragedy of the individual deaths that pour forth from wars, genocides and natural disasters.

Right now, I’d rather be dealing with my terminal but potentially manageable brain cancer than to be in any of the situations I just listed. In that twisted sense, I feel lucky.

So what is it about terminal cancer, then, that seems to set it apart and get people so wound up, so personally invested, time after time? How is it that there is this ready-made narrative that people seem to know by heart and are able to latch onto so instinctively?

I think it’s because people naturally respond to drama, and lots of cancer cases have all the classic elements that make for the best drama. At the core of the cancer drama is that it is viewed paradoxically as “incurable” but at the same time is known to be ”beatable.” There is sadness, yet it is mixed with hope. From that essential conflict, you can just cue up the basic, five-act narrative structure that has been a bankable formula for packing cinema multiplexes and theater houses since Shakespeare made it so popular in Elizabethan England, and going back even further than that to when it was perfected by the ancient Greeks.

Act One unfolds by introducing us to both the too-young-to-die protagonist and the evil villain that is the devastating diagnosis. Then Act Two carries things forward by bringing in more complexity and texture, more medical details, the rallying of doctors, family and friends, the wearing of yellow bracelets and bandanas or the shaving of heads in solidarity. In Act Three, we get the marshalling of all available scientific resources to confront the dark force as we approach the climax of the uphill battle against all odds to “beat” the “unbeatable” disease. But dramatic tension is preserved because the final outcome is still unknown (this is crucial).

Acts Four and Five take us through either the heroic recovery of the protagonist or his tragic death and the resulting fallout from either outcome. And either ending does make for a good story in a strictly dramaturgical sense. So that’s that.

Now let’s look at the other examples I mentioned of how death commonly expresses itself in individual human stories and consider how they fail on the level of sustainable drama:

1. Sudden accidental death of any kind. Failing: The play is over before it can begin.

2. Wasting incurable, diseases of all sorts. Failing: The outcome is known from the start, there’s not a lot of action to follow and the movie runs too long.

3. Mental illness, substance abuse and suicide. Failing: Too dark. People don’t like talking about it, and they just turn away. Nobody’s going to buy tickets for that.

4. Alzheimer’s and old age: See #2 and #3.

5. Wars and natural disasters. Failing: These make good action movies, but individual human lives are mere props here. (See Joe Stalin: “An individual death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.”)

I don’t go into all of this to be blithe about the nature of my specific illness, nor to minimize the real human pain that cancer doles out to its individual victims and their loved ones. But all of those other manifestations of individual death and disability I mentioned deal out equally intense human pain at all of the very same levels.

I saw a slice of this myself when I was coming out of my fog in the intensive care unit after the surgery to remove my tumor. Whole families would file past my door and down the hall, wide-eyed and wondering what they would find when they stepped past a curtain into their loved-one’s room — a loved one who most likely had suffered a sudden, unexpected heart attack or been mortally wounded in a common accident or shooting. And often I would see those families going back the other direction a few minutes later in tears, adults and kids devastated and crying, holding up each other for support as they walked away. Chances are, I thought, there is to be no further drama in those sad stories. The outcomes have already been written. No one will be shaving their heads in solidarity with those people. They’ll just be going to a funeral in the next day or two and scattering some ashes or shoveling dirt on a grave.

People ask me how I can remain so positive and upbeat about my situation in the face of such uncertainty. Part of the reason is that I don’t see my cancer diagnosis as a drama. I don’t conceive of it as an uphill battle against all odds to beat something that is unbeatable. As a 49-year-old man who already has experienced a lot to be grateful for and who has no immediate dependents, I’m not really interested in that kind of story right now anyway.

Right now I see my diagnosis as something else entirely. It is a gift that will give me the opportunity to learn more than I thought I would ever know about the mysterious line between life and death.

In the meantime, it will teach me to love the people I love even more, and to hold them more closely than ever. It will bring me incredible amounts of life-giving strength from the support of friends, past acquaintances and even total strangers. Many people don’t ever get that chance. They either just live, or they just die, and they never get to see what’s in between. But my diagnosis puts the idea of death in slow motion. It lets me pick up death in my hand and turn it over again and again to study it in its every small detail. I can hold it up to the sunlight each precious day that I remain alive and see it illuminated from any angle I choose.


It is as if Death has softly perched itself on my shoulder in the form of a wild and rare bird. In this form it will neither kill me immediately nor has it yet chosen to kill me slowly and inevitably – as it routinely does to so many people in its so many other, more fearsome forms. Instead, it will allow me to hold it for a while and to look it calmly in the eye. It may even talk to me. After that, of course, the Death Bird may decide to burrow itself into my head and build another nest to lay a second egg-shaped tumor in my brain — and so kill me in that fashion. Or it may just fly away from me as unexpectedly as it landed, never to visit again until the time comes for it to return to me years or even decades from now; not as a bird, but in another of its myriad forms.

I hope the bird does fly away one day, and I think there is a pretty good chance it might. I guess then I will be able to say I have “beaten” cancer. But I will not gloat, because I will not have beaten Death. No one ever does.

More of Sean’s writings:

Sean Holton spent 25 years as an award-winning newspaper journalist. His widely-recognized work as a reporter, writer and editor focused on land development, public policy, politics and governmental issues, including nine years as a Washington DC correspondent and bureau chief for the Orlando Sentinel, and as Associate Managing Editor based in Orlando. Sean holds a master’s degree in Journalism from Northwestern University and a bachelor’s degree in English and Political Science from Rockhurst University.

The digital image “Bird of Death” is by the artist Judith Barath, more of whose work can be found at: judithbarathart.com

Dick Cheney vs. Bob Dylan, American Smackdown

Sean Holton

by Sean Holton
Same Time Tomorrow
Sept. 10, 2009

Comparing a politician to a poet would be dicey under any conditions. Except for an obscure coincidence in their lives, it would never have occured to me to stand most-powerful-vice-president-in-history Dick Cheney next to world-class-poet-and-mystic Bob Dylan to see how the two stack up in terms of their lifetime achievements as well as their overall contributions to country and humanity.

The obscure coincidence: Both men were born in 1941.


I mentioned that fact in an earlier post, using the Cheney-Dylan deal as a throwaway example of how issues of aging and generational politics are far more complex these days than what you see portrayed in typical media coverage of politics. People such as Cheney tend to be treated as “patriots” and “traditional Americans” — who simply by virtue of their age, physical appearance and life experience automatically are assumed to have some sort of direct-dial access to what the Founding Fathers always intended our country to be. People like Dylan really serve only to muddy up that simplistic storyline — at least as far as the television cameras are concerned. We’d rather just think of them as forever young, even as they grow old. So how could such people possibly fit into any conversation about the greatness of our nation as envisioned at its founding so long ago by Men Wearing Knickerbockers?

Sean Holton is not only my best friend and a renowned journalist, but a longtime Trail Mix pal. For more than two years he has fought a rough battle against brain cancer and lately we have have been enjoying some of his great writings. — Craig

Sure, it may just be a quick illustration of the extremes in sensibility that can be present within just a single generation. But I thought it would be fun to go ahead and push the dichotomy forward. So let’s compare Cheney and Dylan in the 13 key categories that professional historians and everyone else universally agree are important in order to determine which man really is the greater American. As our source material, we’ll use the unassailably reliable Wikipedia biographies of each man supplemented by random snatches from my own memory of the lots of stuff I’ve read over the years about both. (You want real research? Buy a newspaper.) And then we’ll throw the answer right back at the cameras and dare them to film it instead of another town-hall meeting on health-care reform.

More of Sean’s writings:

Seniority: Cheney has been a living, breathing, sentient human being four months longer than Dylan. THE EDGE: Cheney


Humble beginnings: Cheney was born in Nebraska, raised by working-class parents in Wyoming, flunked out at Yale before getting busted for a DWI at age 21 and applied for and received five draft deferrments to avoid military service during the 1960s. Dylan was raised in Hibbing, Minnesota by parents who were both children of Jewish immigrants and he dropped out of the University of Minnesota after his freshman year to move to New York, play the guitar and shag groupies. THE EDGE: Tossup

Overall Life Trajectory: Dylan had already achieved worldwide fame and immortality as a folk singer and songwriter by the early 1960s — when he was still in his 20s. He subsequently went through several career transformations — from electric, to born-again, to all sorts of other weirdness, including traveling with the Wilburys and doing voice over for lingerie commercials as well as time more recently as a radio DJ. But enthusiasm for his work has never really diminished. Movies and documentaries are still being made about his life and work. Cheney toiled in relative obscurity as a draft-dodging, snot-nosed intern and low-level Washington bureaucrat until his mid-30s, when around 1975 he succeeded Donald Rumsfeld as President Gerald R. Ford’s White House Chief of Staff. [That same year, Dylan released his critically acclaimed Blood on the Tracks album and could have retired right then, done nothing else for the rest of his life and still been more revered than any of his contemporaries]. Starting in 1979, Cheney served five terms as a Wyoming congressman before becoming Secretary of Defense under President George H.W. Bush after the Senate rejected womanizing drunk John Tower for the job. After spending the Clinton years out of power, he returned to the scene in 2000 when he led George W. Bush’s vice-presidential search team to the conclusion that he, Dick Cheney, was the best man for the job. He then went on to be arguably the most powerful man in America — at least during Bush’s first term. He was running the government and calling most of the shots on the fateful, tragic day of Sept. 11, 2001 and he and his aides shaped the framework for the immediate U.S. response in the so-called “War On Terror” that followed. Today Cheney is seen as the cantankerous, vocal standard-bearer for out-of-power Republicans who can’t stand where the country is going. He might even hate America now. Who knows? THE FINAL ANALYSIS: While Dylan has been famous far longer and has made a contribution likely to be far more enduring, Cheney did succeed fabulously in achieving what he spent a lifetime training for — becoming a world-famous, angry, old man with lots of secrets to protect. THE EDGE: Tossup


Vision: Dylan is a modern mystic with an unyielding poetic vision and the musical gifts to express it. At around age 24, he wrote the song “It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)”, which contained the following lines: While preachers preach of evil fates/Teachers teach that knowledge waits/Can lead to hundred-dollar plates/Goodness hides behind its gates/But even the president of the United States/Sometimes must have/To stand naked. Cheney has been an incredibly gifted bureaucrat, competent manager and Washington political infighter who never really developed the vision to be a national leader in his own right. During Gulf War I, there was probably no one better qualified than Cheney to be Secretary of Defense. I personally remember being thrilled to have him calling the shots at the Pentagon back then. Yet at the pinnacle of his career, which came with the 9/11 attacks, Cheney had a failure of vision. On an entirely human level, this failure makes him almost a tragic figure. His reaction was to be afraid and to lead GW Bush and the rest of us down the path of fear. For the sake of vast simplicity, let’s just say there were 10 paths the country could have gone down after that day. Nine of those paths were wrong, so maybe we should cut Cheney and Bush some slack for being only human when they picked one of the nine bad ones. After all, there was only one right path, and we still aren’t sure which one it was. But a great leader would have stepped back from the immediate fear, imagined the world we wanted to be in 10 years hence, recognized the right path to get there and chosen it at the beginning. We elect our national leaders because they are supposed to have more than competence and knowledge and power – we expect them to have vision to lead the country. Think about how Roosevelt positioned the United States to face the rise of Nazi Germany in the 1930s, or how Churchill led his nation during the relentless, sustained air attacks (not just four in one day) of the Battle of Britain. THE EDGE: Dylan.


Dealing with criticism: Both Dylan and Cheney have been undaunted in the face of withering criticism. Dylan was castigated by the old-line folkies when he plugged in an electric guitar at the 1965 Newport Folk Festival, and he has been castigated at every turn in his career ever since. But he hasn’t cared. He hasn’t really answered many questions about it and hasn’t been defensive. He’s just gone on doing what he wants to do, for decades. Cheney, too, has been unapologetic in the face of criticism both during and after the Bush Administration about things like war, torture and domestic spying. But he has been a bit too showy as he plows through all this adversity – seeking out speaking engagements in front of friendly audiences and TV appearances to mount his defense over and over again while attacking his successors in office. Dare I say he’s been a bit too defensive? A bit of a martyr? Maybe even a big baby? THE EDGE: Dylan.

Overall excellence within their chosen field: Let’s go to the history books for some perspective here. If this were 19th Century America and we were looking for examples of great poets and great political leaders who were rough contemporaries, we’d have to look no further than Walt Whitman and Abraham Lincoln. History’s verdict is that both easily make the cut as great Americans. Dylan, I think, will be spoken about in the same exalted terms as Whitman in terms of artistry and cultural impact after he’s long gone. But Cheney and Lincoln? In the same conversation? THE EDGE: Dylan.

Accidents, having them: Dylan crashed a Triumph street bike in 1969, supposedly breaking several vertebrae, nearly killing himself and taking himself out of the public eye for nearly eight years. He explained the accident by saying he’d been up for days without sleep, and that he had taken his bike out for an early morning ride and was topping a hill facing into the sunrise when, ”I went blind for a second and I kind of panicked or something. I stomped down on the brake and the rear wheel locked up on me and I went flyin’.” Here’s my theory: Dylan was a sissy who didn’t know how to ride a motorcycle. I’ve seen pictures of him on his Triumph, and he looks like he has no idea what he’s doing. His feet aren’t even on the footpegs, and his grip on the handlebars makes it seem as if he’s holding a high-voltage power line. In short, he looks like the president of the chess club who has been forced by the guys on the wrestling team to try to ride a motorcycle. No wonder he crashed. Now onto Cheney’s accident: He shotgunned his buddy in the face while out pounding beers and bird hunting in the middle of a big Texas ranch. Then he went back and had a big roast beef dinner. Now THAT’s manly. THE EDGE: Cheney.

Accidents, dealing with them: As can be seen from the quote above, Dylan almost literally was able to turn his accident into song lyrics (See: “I went flyin’”). And the rebellious nature of being out on a motorcycle coupled with his disappearance from public view only heightened the overall mystique of his legend. Cheney, on the other hand, shotgunned his buddy in the face while out pounding beers and bird hunting in the middle of a big Texas ranch. Then he went back and had a big roast beef dinner. Now THAT’s dumb. THE EDGE: Dylan.


Hard power: This one is simple. It’s just a matter of adding up albums sold and gate receipts and comparing those figures to wars started, nations subjugated, weapons systems funded and lives committed to battle. Look up the numbers yourself. THE EDGE: Cheney.

Soft power: When Dylan dies, the world will mourn the passing of a great poet and cultural icon who will probably then be elevated to “prophet” status. Great intellectuals will be called to hold forth on “what Dylan meant.” It will make what we just went through with the recent death of Michael Jackson look like a global cotton-candy binge. People such as Cheney — no matter how much hard power they amassed during their lifetimes — are ultimately only functionaries on history’s stage. When such people die, the world usually just burps and asks what’s for dessert. THE EDGE: Dylan.

Who’d win a physical fight: We’re talking about a couple of 68-year-old dudes suiting up in wrestling tights here, so this isn’t going to be pretty no matter how it turns out. But it would all pretty much come down to how much Dylan’s medical history of cigarette smoking, substance abuse, weight fluctuation and those broken vertebrae will handicap him even against a Heart-Attack-A-Year man like Cheney. I don’t have height and current weight stats for either man. But I think I’ll go with Cheney in this category, if for no other reason than he must have learned a lot of cool secret death grips from the CIA and Blackwater over the course of his Washington career. THE EDGE: Cheney.

Best dinner companion: I’d rather be seen having dinner with Dylan. But, in reality, I’d be way too scared to actually have dinner with either Cheney or Dylan, for entirely different reasons. So I’m saying neither. THE EDGE: Tossup.

Greater apparent ’patriot’ (whatever that means): In the photos I posted up top, Cheney is bald, has an angry look on his face and is wearing an American-flag lapel pin. Dylan has unusual facial hair, an enigmatic look on his face and is wearing a cowboy hat and some sort of sissyfied shirt. THE EDGE: Cheney.

PRELIMINARY TALLY: Dylan–5; Cheney–5; Tossup–3.


TIEBREAKER 1: Love for America. Bob Dylan has railed about America’s hypocrisy in the past and seems non-commital at best about our country’s place in the world today. But as mentioned above, I think right now Cheney may actually hate what America really is. So I’ll say they’re still tied.

TIEBREAKER 2: Whose face would I rather have on my T-Shirt as I drove across America? Or as I traveled around the world? Bob Dylan, no contest.

FINAL SCORE: Bob Dylan is a greater American.

Sean Holton spent 25 years as an award-winning newspaper journalist. His widely-recognized work as a reporter, writer and editor focused on land development, public policy, politics and governmental issues, including nine years as a Washington DC correspondent and bureau chief for the Orlando Sentinel, and as Associate Managing Editor based in Orlando. Sean holds a master’s degree in Journalism from Northwestern University and a bachelor’s degree in English and Political Science from Rockhurst University.